Maddie at 2 years old.

Here is something that you might not expect to hear, but my wife Susan and I were not stunned when Maddie was initially diagnosed with autism. After having test after for a very long year trying to get some information on why our little girl was having major developmental delays, we just wanted someone to give us some answers. Also, being diagnosed on the spectrum opens the door to some increased services that are not available without it. So we were not hit that hard by the words your daughter is on the autism spectrum.

It was the next part of the Doctor’s conversation that left me feeling depressed…

You should be aware that there is a good chance Madeline will never marry, never be able to hold down a full-time job, and a good chance she will live with you the rest of her life.

I had done some research about autism, but I guess I hadn’t let myself acknowledge that these were potential outcomes for her. Now I will promise you these words felt like a punch in the gut. I had all these dreams and fantasies about what my little girl was going to do in life and it seemed like most of them were now out of reach. I tried to keep a happy exterior around my wife, but internally I was very depressed for a couple weeks. Then I had an epiphany. These dreams and fantasies weren’t Maddie’s dreams and fantasies, they were mine. My job from now on was to help her live her dreams and fantasies. 

Now I don’t know the definition of what makes a man, but I point to this moment as when I feel it officially happened for me. I became less selfish. Unconditional love needed to take over.

We have been told by lots of therapists/teachers that as parents, we have been ahead of the curve in embracing the reality of Maddie’s autism. I think that has a lot to do with both us being realists who try to take in as much information and advice that we can and then we proceed from there. Maybe this seems a little too cold and calculated for some, but 1 major piece of advice I will give any new parent of a child on the spectrum is that you don’t have time to fuck around. Literally and figuratively. Pretty much the only definition of getting busy you are are going to have to concern yourself with is to make things happen for your child.

What are these things I’m speaking of? Well, unlike when someone is diagnosed with a disease, autism is a disorder so there isn’t a simple medical path you are given to help your child’s development. The best thing you can do is to search online and also contact an autism advocacy group so you will know what therapies are available. Kick it! You gotta fight…for your right…for therapies!

The more time has gone by since the Doctor gave us the real truth about Maddie’s future, the more I appreciate his candor. It greatly helped me understand what was going on and while it took me a couple weeks to really process these statements, but when this epiphany happened, I was then able to get started with what needed to be done to help my girl. I feel a little angry when I hear about a parent of a child who clearly has major developmental issues occurring, but hasn’t had them tested. You can’t just wish away autism.  Keep in mind, the day you have a baby you are no longer the most important person on your radar. Time to take off your skinny jeans and put on your man pants because lots of shit has to get done.