I have always been a reactionary comedian, probably because I’m a reactionary person. My number 1 goal at a show is for the audience to have a great time, and I don’t go after anyone in the crowd without reason, but if you offer up yourself by heckling, you will quickly find my red-hot rage focused towards you. I’m not a bully, but I will attack your weaknesses until I have control again. In the standup world this is a great skill to possess. It’s not such a good trait to have in life, though.

As I’ve outlined here before, (too many times for some of you, I’m sure), I grew up with an abusive father and this was my defense mechanism. Sure the comedic element I bring to it dissipates the edge of it a little, but it’s still something I have to work hard to suppress, as it is something very instinctual to me. I’ve never picked on someone who couldn’t defend themselves, but plenty of times I’ve taken it too far with those who start shit with me. Go ahead and poke the Bear, but let me warn you, if you do you better be able to climb the highest tree.

Having a daughter with developmental disabilities has softened me a little, though. I’m sure age has something to do with that, as well. At a recent Friday night show in Milwaukee my growth was on display. (And no, I was not arrested for this public display of growth. Out of the gutter everybuddy.) During my bit where I ask who gets drug-tested at their job, I got a quick response from 1 woman.. She said her drug-testing happened when she was working with kids with special needs. I’m sure for most comics this would have been open season for jokes. A big reason I ask the question is to find jobs that I can riff off of why or why not you should get drug-tested at them. The only exceptions for me is if you are in the military or if you have a job like this woman had. My response then is thank you for doing what you do.

** At this point I should mention that the woman had a unique speaking voice. It was clear and intelligent, but with a tone to it that was different than what you usually hear. When you are on-stage by yourself, having to entertain a large group of people, (230 to 1 in this situation) you learn to grab onto and exploit any weakness you can find. I’m guessing most comics would’ve have at the very least commented on her voice. My life experience made me feel pretty confident that she was on the spectrum, so I stayed away from it. Soon after, she told the audience she was in fact autistic.

The woman then followed up that her brother got drug tested as well. I asked what job he did. She responded with he was tested when applying to be a police officer. I asked if he got the job. She told me that he hadn’t yet. My next question was how long ago did this drug testing happen? Her matter of fact answer was 6 years ago. Huge laugh. Priceless. You can’t script stuff this good. It’s the awesome element of live standup. The shared experience which makes for a one of a kind moment. You don’t get that from a comedy central presents or a late night talkshow.

The combination of me knowing people on the spectrum, plus my years of stage experience made this all work. It’s rare when you can say you are the the perfect person to be onstage in a moment, but I can’t think of anyone else who were better equipped to get the most out of this situation. Being calm onstage and not trying to rush back to your material is a great skill to have. Letting someone in the audience get a bigger laugh than you is a sign to the audience that you are confident and in control. I see a standup show as an organic event. The best show to me is for people leaving the show and having something they will always remember about it.

If you think this is where it ends, hold on. She then told me that her brother cried when he was 8 because his cat Natasha died. I told her maybe it’s good that her brother didn’t become a cop because he sounds like kind of a wuss. I then told her she might be the best co-host I have ever had and maybe we should go out on the road together, because she has impeccable comedy timing. Later on when I did my bit about my daughter not being able to pronounce the G in my dog Angus’ name, my co-host mentioned I should have named him Natasha. I told you she had great timing. After the next huge laugh started to die down, I told her I was going to have to rescind my offer of going out on the road with me, as my ego could never handle her being funnier than me. Just so there wouldn’t be any confusion from this statement from me, I told her I was so happy she had come out that night and that I loved her.

I felt the timing was perfect to go into my piece about how we should rethink the use of R words. In a sold out show with a younger crowd filled with raucous energy, you could have heard a pin drop. I’m guessing of the 230 people in the showroom, over 200 of them had never had a real conversation with someone on the autism spectrum. Mostly because of my co-host efforts and a little bit of my own, some minds opened a little that night. The audience came there to laugh and they got a buttload of yuks, but I’m pretty confident they also left with a little more.

Now here is a little inside baseball about what it is like being a person at a comedy club who has people in their life they love who have a developmental disability. You have a constant uneasy feeling always lurking that some joke(s) are going to be hurled at this group. I’m pretty certain that my co-host friends were feeling this to a very magnified degree during this show. They didn’t know how I was going to respond to their friend. They didn’t know about the message I have about the journey my life has taken from having Maddie in my life. When they were leaving the show a number of these friends told me how much they appreciated the way I handled the show. They had a look like they had been on a 45 minute roller coaster ride where they weren’t sure if it had passed safety inspection, but by the end were thrilled to still be in tact. I know that feeling, as I have a similar protective instinct.

Here is where I’m in a unique position. I am in a business where political correctness is often the enemy of the ultimate result we are seeking. I’m not saying that it’s the comedians job to worry about offending a few people. I can’t tell you that I wouldn’t have gotten huge laughs if I would made fun of her. I do think there was just as good of chance, though, if I would’ve have taken the show that direction, I could’ve turned the room against me. Look, I’m not saying I’m the ruler of comedy and you have to do it my way. What I am trying to do here is tell a story of how sometimes taking a different approach can bring an optimal result.

Too many comics only celebrate the most cringe-inducing elements of our business. It’s why so many of us get into it. We are firestarters who don’t fit into society and want to torch the earth around us. I know for the first 15 years of my career that would have been the case with me. Having raw edge is great, but never forget that the best standup is not pointed towards the easiest targets.

So after the show I came face to face with my co-host. She had a big smile on her face and told me she had a great time that night. It was her first time ever at a comedy club. This beautiful young woman’s name was Dana and she told me she was a PhD student studying existentialism at Marquette University. If you don’t know what that means, I will try to be kind. Lets just say in many ways she is a lot smarter than you and me. My degree is in standup comedy, but I feel like I earned my PhD that night. I promise you I won’t forget this show and I’m happy to have a new friend named Dana.

Who knew Robert Palmer was such visionary?

Maddie has become quite consumed with her videos at this site. She has begun to bring my business card with the itsanautismthing.com address on it, whenever she goes to a store. She hands them the card and tells them to watch her videos. You should share the word yourself if you know anyone who find it interested. I know Maddie would like that.

Excited to announce I will be doing a show to raise money and awareness for the Special Olympics of Monroe County. The show will be held at the Comedy Attic, which the USA Today listed as 1 of the top 10 standup clubs in America. To guarantee a great seat, click on the orange E button (eventbrite) to purchase tickets. Please spread the word to anyone in this area who would is looking for big laughs while supporting this great organization.

I generally love my job but I feel a lot of guilt being away from home. Maddie discusses today her thoughts on comedy.

Like most parents I often forget how far my kids have developed over time, as I’m too close to the action on a day to day basis. In regards to Maddie, even though her level of development is pretty far behind her chronological age, she has made great strides. Unlike most kids, it is a much tougher battle for her to make these strides, so my heart bursts with pride for her for how far she has come.

The video of today is when Maddie was 6 years old. Her language and balance are still a major struggle for her, but you can see the sweet spirit bursting through her as she plays hide and seek with her just recently walking twin siblings, Sam and Mallory. Grammy Marvene is helping her and just like in many other ways, Maddie has a unique way of going about the game.

The happiest Happy Monday edition ever.

The world is not built for Maddie. The truth is that a 10 year-old, who is developmentally closer to a 3 year-old, is constantly struggling to fit in. This is not a new phenomenon for my girl. The age math between these 2 factors has always been a battle for her. It just gets tougher as the years go by. This is one of the main truths that hits you fairly early on as a parent of a child with special needs, especially when you have a child like Maddie who has always been in the 95% of height and weight for her age group.

Maddie’s motor skills were always very delayed, so by the time she was ready to ride a tricycle, her legs were already too long to fit properly. They do sell specially made trikes, but the expense is way too much for most families who are already over-burdened financially by their child with special needs. It is a parenting rite of passage to teach your child how to ride a bike without training wheels. Well considering Maddie’s balance struggles I just don’t ever see that happening, especially because our crappy insurance would throw a 4k deductible right off the top, if she did break a bone falling. Instead you find other things that are her version of riding a bike. You see when you have a developmentally delayed girl like Maddie, you become even more excited by seemingly small achievements because you know she has to work so much harder to get there.

There was no toy that has ever made Maddie happier than getting to drive a motorized car around the neighborhood. It didn’t require the same coordination as a bike, so she was in heaven when she was able to use it. After a couple of years, though, her physical growth made it impossible to fit into it anymore. It was one of those many heartbreaking moments trying to explain to her that she could no longer ride in it because of her size. While she might not be as cognizant of everything around her as a typically developing child is, she still gets frustrated and asks why she can’t do things that neighborhood kids that are around her age get to do. It’s really hard to come up with an answer to these questions. The world around Maddie, despite the love she has for it, is often a tough fit. The square peg in a round hole cliche doesn’t do justice much of the time to how difficult it can be for her. And you think the world is sometimes unfair to you. I know when I feel like I can’t seem to catch a break, I think of my girl and realize that I at least have the skills to make things happen. For many people like Maddie, that just isn’t the case.

One of the great programs that has really helped kids on the spectrum is called equine therapy. Many autistic children struggle to connect with people and the world around them, but when they get on a horse, they come more out of their shell. It’s a wonderful program that people are always mentioning to me, because your local TV news is constantly using it as their feel-good story of the day. The problem for my family is that it would never work for Maddie.

Maddie likes people. Sure too many of them can bother her, but as her Happy Monday Maddie-self demonstrates, she likes to be around them. She does not like animals, though. Take  her to the zoo and the highlight will be the car ride down and back. There is no way we could try equine therapy with her because not only does she not connect with animals, but she seems to suffer from the same exact allergic reactions as her Mother.

On one of the first dates I ever took Susan I thought I would be smooth and set up a carriage ride downtown. Well that did not work well. Come to find out she’s deathly allergic to horses. The rest of the date she spent sneezing and she felt miserable. Sexytime! You live, you learn. Sing it Alanis. You Learn.

My favorite story on this subject is that the 2 of us went to St. Louis for a weekend of romance and we kicked it off by taking a tour of the Anheuser Busch factory. Well let me state that Susan has no allergies to beer. Barley and Hops are her friend. So things are off to a great start when we decide to go check out the Clydesdale stables. Not a good decision. Susan didn’t touch or pet one of these animals, she just looked at them from a safe distance. (Kind of like how she is with me.) Well, even from that distance, she started to have serious problems soon. Within an hour her eyes were swollen shut. They were so bad that the only way she could have seen out of them is if Burgess Meredith was her cut-man.

So we aren’t going to give the equine therapy a try with Maddie. We did get a dog before Maddie was born, though. His name is Angus and he was a rescue dog. We went into the Animal Rescue League looking at another dog, but the way he looked at me, I knew I couldn’t leave him. He wasn’t a puppy and he’d been there for awhile, so his bill was about to come due. I guess I’m a sucker for underdog stories and everyone there told us he was great with kids who came there. Bingo. That was our most important factor, so we brought him home.

We figured that Maddie would soon come to love him just like we did, but it just never happened. Angus is sweet and gentle, but he has a loud-ass bark that is the worst thing ever to Maddie. We are always trying to beat someone to the door when we see them out the window, because we are afraid the doorbell will set off a Mousetrap game which starts with him barking like a lunatic and ending with Maddie in a 10 minute meltdown. It’s gotten a little better, but she still holds her hands tightly over her ears when he does bark. They are kind of like new step-sisters, still learning to tolerate each other.

Here’s the best story I have about Maddie and Angus. Check out the video.

The mother of a child with autism in Canada received this letter from a neighbor. Click on this link before you read any farther.

“To the lady living at this address:

I also live in this neighborhood and have a problem!!! You have a kid that is mentally handicapped and you consciously decided that it would be a good idea to live in a close proximity neighborhood like this???? You selfishly put your kid outside everyday and let him be a nothing but a nuisance and a problem to everyone else with that noise polluting whaling he constantly makes!!! That noise he makes when he is outside is DREADFUL!!!!!!!!!! It scares the hell out of my normal children!!!!!!! When you feel your idiot kid needs fresh air, take him to our park you dope!!! We have a nature trail!! Let him run around those places and make noise!!!!!! Crying babies, music and even barking dogs are normal sounds in a residential neighborhood!!!!! He is NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He is a hindrance to everyone and will always be that way!!!!! Who the hell is going to care for him?????? No employer will hire him, no normal girl is going to marry/love him and you are not going to live forever!! Personally, they should take whatever non retarded body parts he possesses and donate it to science. What the hell else good is he to anyone!!! You had a retarded kid, deal with it…properly!!!!! What right do you have to do this to hard working people!!!!!!! I HATE people like you who believe, just because you have a special needs kid, you are entitled to special treatment!!! GOD!!!!!!

Do everyone in our community huge a favor and MOVE!!!! VAMOSE!!! SCRAM!!!! Move away and get out of this type of neighborhood setting!!! Go live in a trailer in the woods or something with your wild animal kid!!! Nobody wants you living here and they don’t have the guts to tell you!!!!!

Do the right thing and move or euthanize him!!! Either way, we are ALL better off!!!

Sincerely,

One pissed off mother!!!!!”

By no means do I think that this is the general attitude towards people with developmental disabilities, but it is far from unique. It made me think of a video that hit the internet last year of a teen boy with Down Syndrome who kicks a young child, which created a quick response from the child’s father of throwing a knockout punch to the teen boy. http://www.keepbusy.net/play.php?id=down-syndrome-guy-kicks-kid-gets-knocked-out

I noticed some people on Facebook commenting on this video then and almost everyone there was laughing about it saying things like I would’ve knocked the Tard out, too or Hilarious! 

I was a buzzkill, as I brought a different viewpoint. I said that I can see why the Dad was upset and I understand instincts, but he totally overreacted. The kick seemed pretty minor.

Most of these Facebook commenters continued to disagree with my viewpoint and some responded with how the Mom should have a leash on her son.

I battled it out by myself for awhile and then just let it go. I thought about the Mother who was just trying to order some food for the 2 of them. I thought of how she probably has spent her whole life trying to protect her child from himself and others. I thought of how she had no idea what had happened to cause her son to be laying out on the floor, but how her heart was broken and she was scared of what this angry, violent man was going to continue to do to her son.

I also thought about the times when my girl Maddie has been upset over someone in public making a loud noise and setting her off. I thought about how loud sounds or sudden action can be like a drill going off in her brain. How my girl has physically lashed out her own family members before when things have happened like this and how I know this same type of incident could happen to her as she gets older.

I don’t bring these stories up for you to feel sorry for me. I’m a strong motherfucker who can take care of myself. I bring it up because I hope a few of you that are reading this thinking that the letter had some merit and the reactionary father was justified, might look a little more deeply when considering people with special needs. It’s why I created this site. Let Me Help You Understand.

Maddie gives you a tour of all the things she brings to school. There is a reason she needs to bring a backpack and another separate bag with her. Madeline uses backpacks as her own personal security blanket. She wants to bring them with her whenever she goes anywhere, school or even a car trip. The more stuff in them, the better, because it feels good to her body, kind of like a weighted vest. Many people on the spectrum have balance problems because they have a difficult time connecting with their own body.

I don’t like to get technical here, because I know my brain locks up when I read stuff that isn’t based in entertainment but this is kind of an interesting element that especially people on the spectrum face.  I will discuss proprioception in greater detail some other time here, but it’s definition is this.

Refers to one’s own perceptions. It an unconscious perception of movement and spatial orientation controlled by nerves within the body.

While most of us don’t have to think about this, it’s instinctual, for many people on the spectrum they have to learn to and really focus to do these same movements we take for granted. While a heavy backpack would be a detriment for a lot of girls her age, the added weight it offers helps Maddie achieve better proprioception.

Ok, enough with the science. Let’s get on to Happy Monday Maddie.

(1st let me say that Maddie and I would appreciate if you pass this website along to any people who you think would enjoy it. Thanks.